Waste Not
At KT's housewarming some time ago in Foster City, the two of us stole away for a short while for one of our deep-into-the-heart-of-me talks. And then, she said something that touched me.
"You're too good to waste, Ben."
Wow, too good to waste. And I had been feeling like I'd wasted a lot of my life not knowing who I was, being in relationships that went nowhere, and trying generally to keep a low profile and low-risk. And I was contemplating jostling up my life by skipping continents.
She told me to take that risk and stop living the "safe life", taking the safe paths. After all, what's to fear?
It's true: my "baseline" for life isn't that bad. If all else fails, I just end up retreating to Canada and living the quiet life with a small house in the 'burbs, white picket fence, gorgeous sunsets, and great food from international chefs all 'round. And if I lose one relationship, can I not find another? In the process of, I learn a lot more about myself. A lot more.
So what's the problem? My biggest fight is in battling my own habits and routines. Moving countries and then settling back in while insisting on the same lifestyle. I have an opportunity to live a very different life; that's too good to waste.
4 comments:
i give u credit for even making the move. it was a big one.
You're in a country where few people know who you are and where few people will know what or who you do. You have the chance to reinvent yourself, maybe add or subtract a few percentage points to your masculinity and nobody would be the wiser.
What you've been doing in the past doesn't work and you should be congratulated for making a major physical change in your life. Next step is to wear a different hat, cross your arms backwards, try things you never ever thought of doing because of what people might think of you etc.
The more places I move, or the more chances I get to "re-invent" myself, the more I find that I tend to revert to the "myself" that I already am. I like to do things a certain way; I like to enjoy certain things on the weekends; I "connect" with certain types of people. Funny, that. Can't yet tell whether it's because I'm an stubborn old dog with die-hard old habits, or whether it's because I've found most of who I am.
It's just like trying to move your GPA. The longer you've been in school, the harder it is to change.
Amen.
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