Smogger

Now that my scooter is rounding out its third year of ownership, I get a postcard in the mail that says I need to get a smog test for it. I take it to the Yamaha Service Plaza store I normally get the oil changed at.

I ride in, show them my little smog test summons card, and he motions for me to pull in. He takes a stand and a pipe and hooks up the sensor to my exhaust pipe, and then runs some software on the nearby computer, explaining that these test results are stored immediately using government (standard) software, and then uploaded to the DMV databases later on. I'm impressed at how efficient they've made it!

He looks at the stats for my scooter -- not that old, in pretty good condition, despite my accidents and thrashing it around -- and starts it up, running the diagnostic software. The numbers start going up in each of the three categories: CO, HC, and CO2. Neat.

But he freaks out.

"Whoa, why is it so high?? This is twice the limit!"

He starts rapping frantically at the "Cancel" button, preventing the test from completing and uploading to the government database.

Then he hooks up the sensor to a different computer -- the shop's private machine, not connected to the official one -- and starts tweaking some settings in the engine with a screwdriver, playing around with two different dials until the CO and HC pollution was way, way below the legal limits.

Once he was happy with the results, he hooks it back up to the government system and runs it.

"Oh, I hope it's not too low [that it's not believable]. You can't ride it like this, because it will stall on you all the time."

Well, wouldn't you know it, the scooter passes now with flying colours!

A printout taps out of the printer, my paper evidence in case the government wants to see it.

He hooks the scooter back to the private machine, tweaks all the settings back to the original levels (slightly optimizing while he's at it), and sends me back on my way.

"There you go. Now you may continue polluting the air."

(Yeah, he actually said that, but in a good-humoured manner.)

Clearly, this is not his first time, nor is it beyond his own moral limits. I'll probably have the scooter actually looked at during my next oil change, since it does bother me that my scooter isn't running as smoothly as it should.

Distressed

I had another scooter accident: that pushes my running total of scooter incidents up to five now. It's okay, it was just an itty bitty one, really.

This time, it was just with myself.

I was on my way to work, annoyed at this rider who kept coming up on my right, so my attention was on him from the corner of my eye. When I turned my attention back to the front, the originally smooth-going traffic had stopped.

I emergency braked, and my front (disc) brake locked, and the scooter veered, leaned, and slid. Me too. Picked myself up, dusted off as cars detoured around me, and pulled over to the side for a breather as people waiting for the bus peered on half-interested.

All body parts still accounted for, I resumed my commute, punched in at the office, and went to a local drugstore for medical supplies. Back at the office, I emptied my little shopping bag onto my desk -- iodine, antibiotics, cotton swabs, bandages, and tape -- and proceeded to nurse my new wounds in my cubicle. I kind of felt like Mark Wahlberg in Shooter (after he was framed and had to make that getaway), except that his was scripted and all fake: this was the real deal, baby.

Anyway, the wounded include:

- me, in the way of a scraped left forearm and scuffed left knee and a rather bruised ego
- my puffy jacket, which is now losing feathers even faster through the gaping 1-inch hole (yeah, a whole patch of shell missing, not just a slit)
- my new Adidas shoes, where the left toe cap is scraped up
- parts of the left side of my scooter (which now match the right)

What's more, now my new jeans are scraped and torn at the knee as well! Thank goodness for the distressed look, so in a way, the scooter fall actually made my clothing more fashionable.

Rain Filter

I'm riding to work today, and it's pissing rain, but I live up the visor on my helmet anyhow ... and I take a big whiff. It's about the freshest air I've smelled recently (except for a quick weekend trip to Hualien/花蓮).

The rain here acts as a filter for the air, extracting dust and dirt particles (and whatever impurities and terrible free radicals that provoke women to buy those expensive skin care products) out of the air as they fall. It's kind of like the water in a bong, really, which filters out the harsh heat and smoke so it doesn't get to you.

The problem lies in that what you're left with after the high of having fresh air is ... well, the bong water. And in the case of Taipei rain, it's a whole city's worth of city-bong water flowing through the sewers in addition to all the warm garbage smells that waft through the sewer grates.

Fresh air today, horrified nostrils tomorrow.

Whiff

Every workday morning, I ride a bridge over a semi-polluted river. And on the sunny days, I flip up my helmet visor to take a few good whiffs for those precious minutes. Because on my commute, that's about the freshest air I'm gonna get.

Sepat Sounds like Some Kind of College Exam

I haven't blogged much recently, partially because I feel like I'm pretty busy doing stuff (other than blogging), and partially because there isn't much going on in my life to blog about, really.

Oh yeah. There was that super-strength typhoon Sepat that came barrelling in on the Friday and dumped water all over Taipei. But it wasn't really that bad, and (as usual) the east coast took the brunt of it all. On Saturday, we went out for a quick lunch. On our street, we counted 3 scooters and 1 bicycle lying on their sides from being blown over ... though in all fairness, they looked like they could just as easily have fallen over from rust or old age. And there were 2 medium-sized trees planted around office buildings that were uprooted and gently placed on their sides.

Yeah, see? That's the extent of my excitement these days: wind and rain.

Run DMV

I skipped lunch with the coworkers today to get my oil change ($500NT), and while I was at the (reputable) Yamaha shop, I asked about renewing my scooter registration and whatever. She tells me there's the mandatory insurance ($1400NT) and some owner's registration ($1050), and both the locations for doing this are easily half an hour away by scooter and only open during regular business hours. So I fork over the $200NT handling fee to get them to do it for me.

And during this discussion, I found out that I've been driving with an expired scooter license for the past year.

Oops.

Turns out, they put the expiry date the same as my previous ARC, which I've since renewed for much longer. I guess I have to head out tomorrow morning to the Motor Vehicles Office (which is out in the opposite direction from work) to renew my license quickly, before I get pulled over for whatever and then fined a subsequent $6000NT.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

What a day.

This afternoon, I downed a Redbull in anticipation of a great workout and headed to California Fitness. Then the guy checking my card says my membership ends today; do I want to continue?? Interesting that they wouldn't warn me over the past two weeks I've been going regularly, or even bother to call me about it. (In any case, I was watching it, but I thought it expired in May.)

So instead of working out, I spend an hour reviewing their stupid "promotions", none of which are nearly as good as I had before. (Back in 24 Hour Fitness in 2003, I pre-over-paid $949 for three years, which granted me the right to $20US per year thereafter.)

Note.
Gym membershps here are twice what they cost in North America: they're roughly $1600-2000NT/mo ($45-60US), unless you prepay for 5 years ($57000NT, $1700US) to lower that monthly average to around $1000NT/mo ($30US/mo). There are various other confusing-as-mobile-phone-plans schemes, but that's the gist of it.

And I find out that my $20-per-year-thereafter got cancelled when they transferred my membership to Taiwan, and they never even mentioned to me that this would be a consequence. (The contracts are in English and also no mention of this; I checked.)

Hmm. So when they signed me over, they basically just cost me another $30,000NT ($1000US) without telling me it would. Well, that sucks. And I was still high on the Redbull, which just made me super-aggressive and pissed off while they told me the "good deals" for memberships.

So I go to the competing chain to talk about memberships (which are really no better), and come back out to find my scooter towed. Towed way out to the boonies. I had to take the MRT and then walk another 20 minutes to get to the tow lot to get my bike back. That's another $30US in fines, and more wasted time.

As I peeled out of that area, I took a wrong turn ... and noticed after 15 minutes' riding that I was headed in the wrong direction (east)! Get this: I actually left Taipei City and headed into the next county over! Took me another 50 minutes to ride back to the darts bar, where I got my ass kicked in the competition (while still in my sweaty gym clothes).

I'm about ready to go postal. The gym is giving me 3 days leeway to figure out whether I want to continue or cancel my membership with them and tomorrow, I get to argue with their head office on the phone.

Great, more fun.

There's a mosquito in here, but I can't find it to kill it. I really need to; that will make me feel better about the sh!t I went through today.

Pent Up

One day, someone (with their scooter) is going to piss me off so much that I'm going to wait until they park it, leave, and then I'm going to secure my disc brake lock on their bike and leave it there.

Sadistic

Can't help it, but here's a (definitely non-exhaustive) list of things I'd like to see at the expense of people I don't know:

- Some kid walking down the street so engrossed in playing his DS lite or Gameboy or PSP that he smacks into a telephone pole or post sign. Or heck, even a building pillar -- I'm not picky.

- Some guy or girl talking on his/her mobile phone while riding the scooter -- and holding the phone in his hand too -- get into an accident. Not fatal, just face-marring, and possibly injuring their hearing in that phone ear.

- People who play underhanded office politics get dealt some of their own medicine.

- Parents who don't watch their kids, lose them in a crowded place for a few frightful minutes, and then find them later (because hey, I'm not that mean).

- Dangerous scooters (usually on pimped out rides with neon/blue lights and loud exhausts) lose control of their bike and total them. One or two broken limbs (which I do sincerely hope will heal in the future) also appreciated.

- People in service roles (bank tellers, kiosk girls, salespeople) who don't know their own services well enough, get all the tough customers and deep questions and force them to study what they're selling ... or decide that's not the line of work for them.

Okay, you chime in with some of your own while I go run some errands. Weather's great!

The Commute

After my move, here are the stats for my weekdaily commute. I used to live about 3.5km from work, taking about 11-15 minutes on my scooter. Now I'm slightly further away (5.5km), and it takes between 15-23 minutes to get there.

Of course, as my luck would have it, my first day going to work from the new apartment was the fastest. All the planets aligned for me, and the traffic lights all turned green like I was Bruce Almighty. Fooled me into thinking my daily commute would only be 15 minutes!

All said and done, the time isn't too bad. But it sure would be a lot better if I were in the safety (and climate controlled environment, with music) of a car for that time. Problem is, if I were in a car, my commuting time would likely double.

Anyway, I gotta get to work now; off to the aforementioned commute!

The Price Is Wrong

They say you can't put a price on safety, but apparently, in Taiwan you can. From my casual observations, it's:

- $199NT ($6USD). That will buy you one of those RT MART (like WALMART) scooter helmets that provides excellent crash protection if you happen to hit something directly on the top of your head, and nowhere else. Side bonus: comes in a variety of trendy colours and styles with no regard to its structural integrity.

- the cost of a small bamboo chair for placing your child in the footwell part of your scooter. In the event of an accident, you will not be reimbursed for the major dental work needed on your kid from steering column impact.

- free. You can ride 4-up (2 parents, 2 kids) or just 3-up (2 parents, one baby held in the mother's arms) on the scooter at no additional cost. Even riding in front of police officers doesn't get any reaction from them.

I Hate Cats

I had a run-in with a black cat today. It caused me substantial grief.

"Well, just leave all your stoopid western superstitions behind, foo'!" - my ever-so-loving sister

Actually, yeah, it was my superstition that caused the grief. Sort of self-fulfilling. Definitely stupid.

Stupid cat. I saw it just sitting there in the middle of the damned road for no good reason. I mean, yes, it was a gorgeous Friday morning, but still ... go enjoy it on the side of the road.

Stupid cat. As I started riding closer, it saw me, got up, and started walking in the (right) side that I was planning to go around him. So I'm thinking,

"Sh!t, ain't no black cat gonna cross my path."

I sped up a little to cut around it, and the stupid black cat started to pick up its trot too! At one point, I decided to concede superstitious defeat, to give in to bad luck, and I slowed down, slighted left to go behind it, and then recover my speed again. That damned cat stopped and backtracked over to the left! I couldn't believe it, it faked me out on the right and was coming to bodycheck me on the left side!

Stupid cat! I felt like he was playing some kind of video game with me, that stupid stupid cat. In the goodness of my heart, I had to emergency brake ultra-hard -- yes, I'm pretty sure that's the technical term -- and the bike came up on the front tire and fell over.

Stupid stupid cat.

Yeah, I know, I'm starting to realize that I totally don't belong on a scooter. (I'm going to upgrade my rear brake pad next week.) Stupid black cat. Next time, if it can't decide where it's going to go, I'll just run over it. That cat just ruined it for all cats I encounter on the road in the future.

--
An interesting side observation: no matter which side my bike falls over on, I always injure me on the left.

Aw, Nuts

Friday was a great day: gorgeously sunny and warm, some things at work that I vocally disagreed with were cancelled, and I had a good gym workout to look forward to afterwards. I left work around 6:45pm and negotiated the crazy Friday evening traffic into the city towards the gym.

On DunHua North Road heading southbound, the car infront of me stopped abruptly. I squeezed the rear brake, and (since it's a practically useless drum brake) it only slowed me down a little: I was still approaching the stopped Citroen C2 quickly. So I emergency braked with the front (disc) brake with a quick grip, and my bike ground to a halt ... only centimeters away from it.

And then from the sudden braking, my bike catapulted me forward and took me off balance, and it toppled over to the right. The result: really minor scratches on the C2's under-bumper area (from my front tire), and a caved-in taxi rear door in the neighbouring lane from my scooter. And more scrapes over the right side of my scooter.

The police came, the other drivers and I moved our vehicles to the side of the road (after the cops did their markings on the road). C2 Lady's friend came by, looked at the damage, and said it's okay and not to worry about it. Taxi Man had a huge attitude problem, but eventually my taxi driver buddy friend was able to convince him to let us take his car to an autobody and pay for it ourselves (instead of just paying him off the $3000 he wanted), and sorted that out the next afternoon.

But here's the clincher: in the topple, I banged my left knee against my own scooter, and the right handlebar jabbed me really hard really close to my cash-n-prizes. I did a self check the next morning and my right testicle is bruised a deep purple / dark red, so I have endearingly named it my betelnut in honour of the red sputum that is so characteristic of the food.

I'm looking for a car now.

Hair, Hair, Long Beautiful Hair

Okay, there's a topic on my mind that I think really merits an explanation and, if necessary, an open discussion. I had re-sent my photo albums link to several friends (they seem to keep losing it), and four of them all responded with the same immediate question:

"What happened to your hair??"

This is usually followed by the statement that I must have grown it longer, and now it's just flattened.

Let me explain again to you that I scooter around town. Just about everywhere. I hate waiting for the bus, and taxis are kind of expensive to/from the outskirts of town where I live. It pretty much takes 20 minutes to anywhere I need to get to, so that's 20 minutes of heat and compression with my helmet on my head. Think of it as a 20-minute perm for flattening my hair against my head. Just about everywhere I go.

So what's the point of really fixing my hair? No matter what I do with it, after a ride to my destination, it's got a fresh new flat-perm on it again! A while back, I guess I stopped bothering to do my hair. Now, I just try to keep the hair shorter so that the flattening isn't as obvious, or I bring a small canister of pomade or hair wax with me to do last-minute touch-ups.

Okay? That's why. Thanks for understanding.

It's all in the name

Okay, so a scooter is not the coolest of transportation modes. And it doesn't lend its rider the coolest of looks. But that doesn't mean we can't try to salvage some pride, right? Loosely transcribed, a conversation with my overly-supportive friend C:

b: I hate scootering in the rain.
c: that sounds so manly... "scootering"
b: I think it sounds better than "mopeding". Moped. Scooter. Moped. Scooter. Yeah.

So I've resorted now to calling it my bike or a scooter, but I avoid moped and vespa like the plague. Never mind that my Finnish friend (who actually had a motorbike in Finland) keeps correcting me that I don't actually have a bike. And I haven't yet gotten to naming my scooter yet, like my brother has, though I have considered calling it "my b!tch".

So Much Stuff, So Little Trunk Space

Lesson learned: shopping at Costco on a scooter is a lot less fun, because you have to worry about how the hell you're going to get it all home.

This also extends to shopping at supermarkets and everything else, further exacerbated by that trunk area getting hot after longer rides (because it's directly overtop of the 125cc engine). That means frozen foods or chilled fruit don't fare too well in there. Perhaps I can rig up some kind of container to take advantage of the heat, and cook stuff while riding?

What I miss most, though, is the convenience of just chucking stuff in the trunk or back seat of my car, and keeping it "with me" whenever. In a car, I kept three bins of stuff -- flashlights and whatever, bottled water, gym stuff, anything. It's really my second home. Now, space is a premium, and I have to carefully budget what I throw in there. Everything has gone mini now: tiny flashlight, the most compact raincoat I could get, little sample-pack sized things, etc.

Can't wait to have a car again.

To The Bone

You know what sucks? It sucks scootering in the rain with your rain jacket on, and still getting soaked completely through your shorts, right through to your underwear. And your shoes. And your hair, because your helmet was left hanging from your scooter out in the rain last night. And still having another 40 minutes on the road before you can get home. I wish I had a car.

Scoter

Been a long week, let me tell you. I needed to go out, have a decent time, and get to know my colleagues on a more social basis. So last night, around 9:40pm, I was heading to the night market to meet up with one of them there.

I was going through the tunnel south on KeeLung road, and pretty close to the right side of the tunnel. There was a girl on a scooter front-left of me, and I figured I'd move over to the right a bit more. You know, follow the rules of the road, observe, assess the situation. What I didn't expect was for anyone to actually be in that tight space to my right, and he was (I guess) trying to pass me on the right.

And that's when the fun began: our handlebars clinked, and I lost control.

My bike wavered, wobbled, and slid on its right. Luckily, my leg wasn't caught under the scooter as it fell over. Instead, I did the shake, rattle, and roll -- probably not unlike what you see in movies, actually. I have injuries, but it's all scratches and scrapes across my back, shoulders, and my elbows are banged up. And asphalt is embedded in my pants (and skin). Neck and waist are sore and a bit stiff, but that's to be expected. I need to buy a new helmet, of course -- because this one's had an impact and the gouges to show for it -- and my t-shirt is wrecked.

Him? He walked away with a little scratch on his bike, and he had a cut on his right hand.

I was going a pretty good clip. Probably 70kmph -- wait, no, probably not -- probably 60-65. I mean, that's not extreme, because I noticed that a lot of traffic flow is around that range anyhow. And he was going faster.

But the guy was nice during the aftermath; stayed with me, called the cops, went to the hospital with me and stayed until I got out. He had been hit by a car before when he was on a scooter, so he was pretty understanding and he was nice about everything. (That's pretty good, as far as Taiwanese people are in accidents.)

M nursed my wounds and I crashed at her place (instead of going all the way home), and I took this morning off work.

Anyway, this constant pain all over my body is a pain in the ass. Sucks. But all in all, worst hurt in this was my ego.

--
* "Scoter" is a common misspelling of the word "scooter" here. So common that one of our clients' project codenames is "scoter", even though they say it as "scooter". Just waiting for project "umbrerra" to come along now ...

Soaking Wet

Wow, my first typhoon in Taiwan in recent years, and I'm learning lots already.

- When riding in the typhoon, crosswinds can move you sideways one or two scooter widths, so it's important to not cut in front of taxis.
- Rain plus strong winds make for little bullets of water shooting at you and your scooter passenger.
- People will, against their better judgement, still try to fight the winds with their $3 umbrellas ... the inevitable result of which is one very wet person and one broken umbrella.
- The winds and rains come in cycles, and the quiet cycle usually after you've decided to stop into a restaurant to wait it out.
- The umbrella business is unusually good around this time. Only morons like me will still refuse to buy one, preferring to wait and find "a better one" another day when I feel like umbrella shopping.
- Instant noodles sell off the shelves at the local supermarket. And tofu sells out too.
- Umbrella or no, your shoes will get soaked to the bone. And you can too, in under 10 seconds.
- Cockroaches come out to escape drowning in the depths of the streets and sewers where they normally hide. This often brings about screams and shivers from pedestrians. (I am one such pedestrian.)
- A power outage puts you in the dark, and though you can light candles throughout the place, you still end up with no Internet connection at home. 20 minutes of this can drive you nuts, but thank goodness for mobile phones and battery power.
- The thin yellow plastic bags that are disposable raincoats are certainly insufficient against these elements.
- It's a good idea to buy some bottled water regardless of the water filters you have in your house, because the water quality will go to craps pretty fast.
- The winds against your apartment window can be loud and scary, and can wake you up at 3:30 in the morning. (Hence this post right now.)
- Some people will still insist on going out to the movies or KTV in this weather.

So Monday is a typhoon holiday announced by the government, but I still have to work. Will try to work from home, and then see what happens with the weather.

Guts

I must be getting more gutsy: I'm weaving in and out of traffic more with my scooter now. I run yellows and reds (after someone else has done it). Heck, last night on the way back from the gym, I even had my iPod in one ear while riding home. (At a certain speed, though, the wind completely turns the sound into noise.) Maybe one day, I'll even be brave enough to try for my license test again.