In His Own Words

(One more as you wind down your workday.)

R drinks. He drinks enough to have accurately characterized the effects of alcohol on him, which he has extrapolated and broadly applied to encompass humans and alcohol in general. I mean, he's got theories. Plural. Theories like ...

Drinking Yourself Sober. This is a phenomenon where you can drink to the point of being buzzed / drunk, and more drinks will not get you further intoxicated. No, ironically, they will instead tend to make you less drunk / more sober and at some point, I would suppose you could be completely sober again. (R claims to have volumes of undocumented evidence of himself and others experiencing this, but few others will chime in in agreement.)

All the same, R has taken it upon himself to create new words describing his oft-inebriated condition -- words that have somehow found their way into a published thesaurus. (Yeah. I don't know how either.)


jacked
looped
pinned

These words describe the intoxicated mental condition that interestingly give R unparallelled superhuman powers, allowing him to kung-fu kick dangerous trees and sucker-punch those menacing parking meters. This is, of course, in the valiant effort to protect us unsuspecting sober friends around him. Alcohol also activates slight-of-hand skills for quick-as-lightning drunk dialing action, if only Super R could only keep track of his phone.

The best part is that in 6 easy installments of $5 per beer, he is the cheapest form of quality, all-night entertainment we have found. Bar none. And thus, we support his habit.