In the past three months, a huge wave of responsibility clouded over me. This wasn't pressured by anyone or anything external ... it's just me by myself realizing that I'm way behind. I know it's not a "race", but if it isn't, then why do I feel so "behind"?

I feel like I need to start taking my future, my life, and myself more seriously. I need to be considering the future of my wife-to-be and kids-to-be when those come into play. (You may have seen remnants of this attitude in my discussions about what car to buy.) At some point, I'm going to have to be a provider of things -- food, shelter, clothing, guidance. I can't be conducting myself in the self-centered, irresponsible lifestyle I've had so far; doing things (or not) just because I "feel like it" (or don't).

The really messed up part is that if someone brought this issue up to me about themselves, I would simply tell them not to worry about it, that things will fall in place and they're still young (no matter the age). But I don't believe it myself, and I worry about it. I worry that I'm almost 30 (clearly 5+ years behind my original Grand Master Plan). I worry that I can't even make mortgage payments, let alone a down payment. I worry that my next purchase is a vehicle -- a necessity -- which will inhibit that real estate purchase even further.

Somehow, though I seem busy all the time, I'm just not "getting anywhere". Which is why I must be "behind".

No comments: