Year End Resolution

It's funny that sometimes a seemingly ordinary day can quickly turn into an extraordinary one. I got to work as usual, plopped into my seat, logged into my network, my mail, my MSN, looked over my tasks for the day, and then this came in.

"Hi, happy holidays to you. i think we should end this year on a good note. i think i'm now ready to be friends with you and i also think that "hating you" is not really helping me move on. i just need to let it go and move forward with no hard feelings."

I have to say, it was a strong move for her to do this. We had a nice chat, caught up on a few recent events, and then called it a day.


Rich and Angel said...

Easy to be taken the wrong way depending on what mood you're in.

The "How convenient for you" response would be extremely tempting.

Ben said...

Huh? I don't get it. How convenient for who? And why would you be so grudging against a prior relationship that you'd not want to be friends, and actually go out of your way to make sure of it with that kind of remark? It takes a ton of guts to extend a hand like that and want to move past the past; I don't think I'd want to discourage that or respond in a negative manner.

Or maybe I've easily taken what you said in the wrong way.

Nk said...

Yay! What an awesome way to start the day and end the year. =)

Maybe with the kick-butt day you'll have a kick-butt year, too. =)

Rich and Angel said...

Sorry. Wasn't clear. Was referring specifically to "i think I'm not ready to be friends with you and I also think that hating you is not helping me move on."

Under a certain light, you could think that she's "letting go" purely for her own emotional benefit without any real regard for how you feel.

But it's all context and it's hard to read from text at times.

Put another exaggerated way, "Ben, I just decided to call you out of the blue to let you know that I'm completely over you, don't think about you obsessively anymore, found a new guy to date and gave up on all my plans to ruin your life because you ruined mine. You can remove the restraining order now."

So while I would not actually say, "how convenient for you" I might actually think it since her remark comes across as somewhat self-centered.

She could have said, "Happy Holidays to you. I wanted to apologize for the animosity I displayed towards you. I was angry and finally realized that it didn't help me or you to feel any better about the situation. I realize that I was taking my frustrations out on you. I realize that I have also hurt you and those particular actions don't exactly make you a better, happier human being. So, I want to put the past behind us and be friends."

Her comment, at least the way you presented it, was more about her feelings than yours so when I read it, it rubbed me the wrong way.

Princess Taj said...

Hold the phone - I SOOO want to comment on this but don't know the history-

Anything in your archives I can read up on before I supply my two cents?????

Ben said...

RnA, I see what you mean now. Perhaps I'm just seeing this as an opportunity to salvage a friendship out of a lost relationship, and maybe I'm just an idiot for seeing that as a good thing, and less as something to worry about who-gets-the-rawer-deal.

Taj, I'm not sure how much of this history is available through the archives, but maybe this will help.

We went through the regular routine: a great and really fun 2-year relationship, on a "break", then breakup. And then, of course, the closure thing. but in early October, she found my blog and everything in it, so it was a shock to her. It made her think that I had a completely hidden large side of me, and that I was totally somebody else that she didn't even know, which, of course, isn't true. I last saw her in October.

But anyway, the history isn't that important. Your thoughts, please.

aliasa said...

I was reading up on your replies.

I will always reveal I have a blog but will not link my family, people I'm dating or friends to it.

I take it that you did not reveal it to her and when she stumbled upon it, she was reeling from that.

Her email can be construed in two ways:

1. regarding the blog finding and your past, she's offering an olive branch. in some ways coming to terms with it.

2. like what rich and angel said, it can be taken the wrong way. a rub that she's moving on.

obviously, she cares about your friendship and from your reaction, so do you. in some ways, you got what you always wanted: her friendship. so i guess that is what counts.

personally, i would never write an email like hers. if i were truly over someone, i wouldn't have to state it.

Princess Taj said...

BEN!!! Of course the history is important!!! Why does she hate you?? What did you do??? Is it b/c of the discovery of the blog?? What were the reasons of the breakup??? If you indeed DO something rotten to her, then it sounds like she is trying to get past it.

However, if she's just a drama queen, then her email, and the contents of the email are totally selfish.

It all depends on the circumstances surrounding the situation.

Whatever the situation, I agree with Aliasa - it is completely unnecessary to be like "oh yeah hey, by the way, I'm moving on. In case you were wondering." That comment would only be necessary if you were still trying to pursue her.

That's my two cents :)

Cyrus said...

It's interesting to read people's comments on this one.

I agree that such an e-mail is a bold step for someone to take. (Just as bold if not bolder than putting the e-mail on a blog that she is knows of :) I don't know all the history, but I wouldn't have seen it as being self-centered. Maybe that's being naive, but if she is just doing it to let go of emotional baggage, so what? If it will help her move on, all the power to her.

Rich and Angel said...


Quoting your point "It made her think that I had a completely hidden large side of me, and that I was totally somebody else that she didn't even know, which, of course, isn't true..." I would have to somewhat disagree with you here.

As we have discussed before, you and I share the same personality type (INTJ). Personally, I find it disconcerting that the person who is most like me in my circle of friends is 51% female but that's besides the point.

However, there is one fundamental truth to people like us. We're icebergs. We can come across as cold, solitary and aloof and 95% of who we are is hidden beneath the surface. Only those who are brave and patient enough to dive below the surface of the icy cold waters will discover that there actually is life underneath.

We're conceptual people. We think in images and words. It's no coincidence that your blog is Our life is all conceptual as we largely live in our heads.

People have a much harder time getting to know people like us because our verbal communication skills are generally weaker than our written skills. I would have considerably more difficulty stating the exact same thing to you in person as I can't visualize what I'm saying.

While the world may becoming more and more virtual, the fact remains that women prefer to communicate verbally, either in person or on the phone. They typically hate getting to know someone through email or instant messaging. This has always been a constant source of frustration for me because it's easy for me to spend two hours typing non-stop but I'd have the same problem maintaining a two-hour conversation on the same topic.

Regarding your ex, she probably felt resentment that there's so much to you that you were simply unwilling to share with her but had no problem disclosing to the whole world.

In the 7-10 years that I've known you, I think I've learned more about who you are just from reading your blogs vs talking to you in person.

With me, the people who choose to be my friends are largely those who can tolerate my voluminous emails and multi-dimensional points.

Rich and Angel said...


It is selfish and you actually stated it yourself. She's doing it purely for her own benefit to let go of emotional baggage.

In saying to Ben, "I'm over you. In fact, I am SOOOOOO over you. Wow. I feel so much better now. Now we can be friends." she is simply dictating the terms of the post-breakup relationship. It's all about her and not how Ben feels.

Now I haven't seen the contents of her email to Ben, but I really couldn't see any hint of concern for Ben's well-being. My general rule is that if you're going to say/do something that involves someone else and it doesn't actually benefit them in anyway, it's not worth saying it.

Her IM was all about, "I want me to be happy."

It was not about:

"I want Ben to be happy."

"I want Ben to move on and find the love of his life because that's what he deserves."

"I want Ben to release any negativity he has because it hurts him."

"If Ben has any pent-up anger, I want him to vent it out at me because I'm sure I deserve some of it and this will help him move on."

My $14.12 TWD is that she was operating from a state of pure self-interest.

Rich and Angel said...

Toby Keith's "I Wanna Talk About Me"

I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about i Wanna talk about number 1 oh my, me, my,
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see.
I like talkin’ about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me! (me, me, me,) I wanna talk about me-e-e. (me, me, me)

It's hilarious..

Ben said...

First, one quick clarification: she IM'd me, so the quotation I sent you is an (edited) excerpt of that. There was no (separate) email.

Good. Moving on, I am still going to come to the defense of my ex, something which I find I am particularly prone to doing so that the situation is not misunderstood.

I did do something not-so-good, and it's mainly that I had a blog that I hadn't told her about, and that there were some postings in there that I hadn't shared with her. She's not a drama queen.

Aliasa, I absolutely care about my friendship with her, as I do with all my exes (though some take longer than others to get back to "par"). And perhaps that's why I'm choosing to focus on the fact that she's gone out of her way to get over the negative parts of our past, and salvage a friendship out of it. We were, after all, friends to begin with.

And if it helps her move on to write to me stating so, what's the harm in that, even if I don't get something out of it? She does, and it doesn't cause me detriment, so why not?

About the INTJ thing, there are things I agree with about it and things I disagree with, much like my reaction to horoscopes. One, I think I'm pretty simple guy and rather transparent -- maybe people just think there's more to me.

Uh, RnA, in the 7-10 years that you've known me, half of that has been sporadic short meetings, and the other half has been with me out of town and the only real communication was through my blog ... so it doesn't surprise me that you learn a lot from my blog as opposed to chatting with me (which we basically never do)!

Finally, if you take the "If Ben has any pent-up anger, I want him to vent it out at me because I'm sure I deserve some of it and this will help him move on." and replace my name with hers, that's my view.

Okay, I gotta get working. Keep 'em coming, but the bottom line for me is that I'm glad she's doing well, and I'm glad she'd like to be on a good note with me. Means something.