Dream a Little Dream

Some nights ago, I dreamt something that really drove home that this issue is bothering me pretty deeply. Here's what I can remember (based on some notes I typed out just after waking from it).

In the dream, I had done something wrong; it was something bad/illegal. Anyway, I had been hiding (it) for a long time, all the time guilt-ridden, letting it ride heavily on my conscience. After a while, I thought I had put it behind me, given it closure in my life. And I had, kind of.

But there I was, cleaning up the mess I had made, returning whatever it was I had stolen or trying to fix whatever it was I had done. In the "scene", I was actually packing things up into a large suitcase, getting ready to move/run after I had returned to the scene of the crime. (It was right on the sidewalk, where I was packing up, strangely.)

And cops were swarming all over the place, working on other cases, responding to other calls. Nothing to do with me, and they weren't even suspecting me, but it felt like they were closing in on me (my own pressure put on myself).

My ex drives by, sees me crouched over the suitcase, fumbling frantically. She casts me a scornful look and says, "Looks like they're coming for you. Too bad we're broken up and you screwed up, or I would cover for you."

And she drove off. I couldn't blame her.

Youch. But hey, what do I expect, really. Even in my dreams. Except that, well, I could dream about anything in my dreams, and that is what my silly little peanut-brain comes up with. No wonder I haven't been sleeping well lately -- nothing like a haunting like that, huh? Happy Halloween.


Anonymous said...

You should've shot the bitch while she was driving away. I mean you're screwed anyways might as well take her down too.

Anonymous said...

Subconsciously the guilt is killing you and you want to hide from it. Deep inside you still love her but she does not want you anymore. Did you make a mistake by breaking up?

Ben said...

No, it wasn't a mistake to break up; she's better off this way.

Anonymous said...

Oh what a selfless person you are! I'm sure you were only thinking about her and her well-being when you two broke up. You should be given the "Most Selfless Act" award. You love her so much that you had to break up because it was the only way she would ever be happy. You are a Saint!

Ben said...

Haha, I'm not saying that at all, my friend in the shadows. The act of breaking up wasn't so that she would be better off, though she is. (I would assume that all ex's agree to this general point, or else they wouldn't be ex's, would they?)

Anyway, the dream was interesting to me, because it brought to surface some things I'm still working through.