The Hospital, not the Truck

El Camino Hospital staff was really nice (except one late-shift b!tch), very informative, and made me feel at ease. I'm sure that I helped them, since I was appreciative of everything they did for me, but the courtesy was reciprocated. A few things I learned at the hospital:

1. Peeing into the little urinal jug is strangely amusing. You can be standing in the middle of your room, and let loose on your bladder without worrying about getting in trouble for it! The same kind of sick thrill one might derive from sneaking a camera into a stripclub and taking "strictly forbidden" pictures. (Not that I have, but I suspect it would be the same kind of thrill.)
2. The "nurse call" button is a pretty fun power trip. Having a suite of buttons that beckons people is kind of nice. There's one for the nurse (general), and they're paid to answer to you! Then there's a green button with a frowny face, which is for "pain management" -- it basically means, "Dammit, it hurts, it hurts, please somebody bring me another 2mg dose of morphine!" And finally, there's a yellow one with what looks like a burnt out lightbulb. Be careful with this one -- it's not a lightbulb that means "reading light", but rather it's a toilet which means I can't do my daily chores by myself and need someone to come help me with it. (I learned that one the hard way, while looking up at the lightbulb wondering why it wasn't coming on.)
3. If you're nice to the staff, they give you more drugs. And they give you seconds and thirds of jello and chicken soup and cranberry juice. Jello, though sickly sweet, still tastes pretty damned good -- could use a few shots of alcohol to liven it up, though.
4. After an appendectomy, they want to know how much you pass through your system. Use the urinal jug and buzz them each time so they can come examine your pee for colour, viscosity, and volume.
5. That urinal examination job must suck. I could never work in a hospital, but I'm glad some people do.
6. Even if you're only 28 and in decent health, you still feel like an old fogey shuffling down the hallway pushing your IV pole around in order to get doctor-recommended exercise. But the least you can do it double-check your gown to be sure you're not mooning all the people in your wake.
7. It's a real neat thing to use, that hanging chain handle over the bed. Great for hoisting and repositioning yourself when you have no abs functioning. And probably a decent back and bicep workout too (if they don't catch you doing it).
8. That table that is your food tray, your desk, your little mirror and drawer ensemble? I need to get one of those for home!
9. So you've been up and about the hospital floor, walking around fully capable of getting here and there. You're ready to check out and they will still insist on wheelchairing you out to your car. I don't get it.
10. And however pleasant this whole experience seems, I'm sure the medical bill will make up for it.

I figure I'll just keep adding as I remember more. :-) Back to lying on the bed, pretending I'm utterly useless again.