I was on the toilet the other day (that other day being Thursday), and when I was done my business, I proceeded to wipe up (as usual). But on this particular day (the Thursday), I had a thought.

I wondered if there's another way to wipe my butt.
Does everyone wipe the same way?
I mean, how would I know?
Wait, how would anyone know?

Because the way I see it, buttwiping is really almost like genetics. We seem to be taught to wipe our asses by our parents and/or caretakers, and that's pretty much our only source of instruction for this task. We don't learn at school (or perhaps I missed that day in class). What it comes down to is that there's no real information sharing when it comes to wiping our own asses.

So, what if there's one way that seems obvious and 95% of us do it that way, but what if there's a vastly superior technique that the remaining 5% use? What if that's one of those things where, once you learn it, you think, "Of course! Why didn't we think of that before??" And maybe that's the reason the 5% never thought to bring it up!

So, being the humanitarian I am (because this really could be beneficial for 95% of humankind), I propose a solution: let's share our ass-wiping techniques.

You first.

PS: There's no hidden meaning here. I mean it literally: wiping our bums. And I had a nice long weekend, thanks for asking.


Anonymous said...

Front to back! with toilet paper I hope. I think they did a thing on Oprah about this the other day too.

(I'm sooo not going to tell you who I am. But you can reply to this comment by.. commenting your reply on here. I'll check. I swear I will!)

hougee said...

back to front for me.. :)

btw... Oprah's episode was about girl wiping after peeing.. and according to her survey some girls air dry... hee hee :D

virg said...

Yes..i do make hougee watch Oprah with me now-a-days.

no comment on your question..but i do follow the "correct way" mentioned on Oprah.

Ben said...

Wait wait, what exactly does "front to back" or "back to front" mean? And which way are you reaching around to get at the Klingons? And how are you wrapping the tissue so that the Klingons don't attack your hands?

And what did Oprah (recently declared a top power celeb in Hollywood, I read this morning) deem as the "correct way"??

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I saw a bit of that Oprah episode as well....

James said...

Wow, you guys have time to watch Oprah? I think the correct front to back way is only important for girls. They don't wanna contaminate one hole into another.

Oh, and I wipe back to front too. :)

miscmusings said...

what about hands -- left or right? is it dependent on if you're lefty or righty?

and wow ben... you have the most random ponderings...

Ben said...

Here's mine.

I reach behind with my right hand, twisting my upper torso to the right -- right shoulder back -- with a nice wad of TP carefully arranged over my hand (and if applicable, my cuff pulled up away from imminent harm). Then I wipe underneath from front to back, as in up the buttcrack ... but obviously, I don't wipe all the way up the buttcrack, because then I'd really just be smooshing stuff to places that didn't have any smooshies to begin with. And I wipe kind of the way they wipe with the sponges on the stovetops on those cleaning fluid/soap commercials, if you can imagine that.

And I wipe at least twice or three times, or until no marks are visible on the last wipe.

Anonymous said...

Ben you don't really expect the other 5% to just give up the information just like that do you? I mean this is the thing that makes us superior to the rest of you, and will ultimately lead to our global domination through the glow of self-confidence we derive from knowing we have cleaner asses than the rest of you.

Anonymous said...

One word: bidet.

There's your 5%.